Military husband insists on adopting 10-year-old sister, expects 23-year-old wife to become her primary caretaker: 'I am not ready for this'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Oct 29, 2024 3:00 PM EDT

All families are complicated, and it's all but inevitable that if you get married to someone you have to accept you are only going to be adding to your own complications. However, it's also true that there is a fine line between supporting your partner through their issues with relatives and being made to take on an unfair burden. It's no secret that in-laws can cause all kinds of problems, and you have to know where your boundaries are. 

This has become a problem for one newlywed, whose husband placed some lofty expectations on her regarding his family. He wanted to take his 10-year-old sister out of a bad living situation with his mom by adopting her, but he is in the military and most of the childcare would fall on his wife. Understandably, she had her reservations about this proposal, and it gave the internet a lot to think about.

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    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    AITA if I am reluctant to adopt my husband's 10yo sister
    via Economy-Formal5705
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    My husband and I are in our very early 20s (20&23) and have only been married a few months. Recently he has starting taking action to take custody of his 10yo sister despite me saying that I am not very open to the idea as well as us not being in a position to take such a life changing decision on.
    via Economy-Formal5705
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    My husband is in the military and I'm currently a stay at home pet mom due to the fact that he got reposted to a different base 12hrs away for a few months of training so I suddenly had to give up my own career to be home for our pets and look for a new job that didn't require me to be gone for a week at a time. We are currently renting a small one bedroom bachelor pad apartment in a city 500+km away from everyone we know and any sort of support system.
    via Economy-Formal5705
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    Okay so for the reason behind wanting to take custody of his sister, their mother has issues with a ism and likely other undiagnosed mental health issues and I agree that she isn't winning any mother of the year awards but she is still making sure her child's basic needs are covered. The only issue is that when she drinks she can be verbally intimidating towards her daughter and I completely understand that this is upsetting to the child, my husband and I keep our phone lines open for her to tal
    via Economy-Formal5705
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    I grew up in an a e home but to an incredibly worse extent that I struggled leaving up until about a year ago because I am the oldest of 5 children and I was basically raising/shielding the youngest 3 but now I am married and finally trying to be my own person and work on the trauma that I have lived through and doing so child free which I desperately need
    via Economy-Formal5705
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    This being said is also partially the cause of my reluctance to fall back into raising someone else's children again! Alongside other issues including working on my new marriage that also isn't without its issues that will 110% definitely worsen by taking on a child! As well as to mention again my husband is military and not even home so all of this responsibility will fall onto me again and I am not ready for this and I don't feel like I will be able to give this child everything that she needs
    via Economy-Formal5705
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    I don't know what to do, I feel guilty and alone in my feelings on this whole situation I want to help his sister but not like this
    via Economy-Formal5705
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    DragonCelica NTA Recently he has starting taking action to take custody of his 10yo sister Was this not discussed prior to your marriage? It doesn't sound like ism is new, so I would've expected he'd bring their mom's a this up earlier. despite me saying that I am not very open to the idea my husband is military and not even home so all of this responsibility will fall onto me He can want to take in his sister, but he's wrong to try and steamroll you. He can't force you to be her caretaker. He m
    via DragonCelica
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    Usrname52 He definitely waited until after marriage to bring it up on purpose.
    via Usrname52
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    Saberise Oh . This was probably why they got married. She just didn't know it.
    via Saberise
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    Easthampster You can't usually live outside of the barracks unless you're married. I've known plenty of guys who proposed and rushed their weddings just to get the extra benefits.
    via Easthampster
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    AdFresh8123 While getting married to get out of the barracks is common, once you reach a certain rank, getting BAQ and being allowed to live off base is easily possible.
    via AdFresh8123
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    Uereks 100% he wanted to get his little sister out but needed someone to take care of her while he's at work so he found someone desperate to escape a situation who has childcare experience. It wasn't consciously malicious but that's what he did.
    via Uereks
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    Intsy Bitsy YTA to yourself. but now I am married and finally trying to be my own person My husband and I are in our very early 20s and have only been married a few months My husband is in the military and I'm currently a stay at home pet mom so I suddenly had to give up my own career up to be home for our pets other issues including working on my new marriage that also isn't without its issues You have swapped one existence for another and aren't doing anything to be your own person. There are
    via InstyBitsy
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    yourvenusdoom Absolutely agree with this, I just want to add on that they're not TA for not wanting to take in a kid they know they can't provide for. OP, being a SAH pet mum isn't a thing. You didn't have to give up your career. Get out there, get a job, get some independence. That's how you become your own person, and you deserve your own life.
    via yourvenusdoom
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    Square-Minimum-6042 He married you because this was his plan all along. You are unemployed (SAH pet mom isn't a thing) and dependent on him financially, so he figured this was a slam dunk.
    via Square-Minimum-6042
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    Tricky-Jellyfish-341 NTA. It's a horrible situation, but that doesn't mean you share any guilt. Since your husband isn't listening to you, and won't even be in the house should he gain custody, you have no option but to tell him, "I will divorce you if you go through with this. During the home visit for a court ruling, I will tell the social worker I don't want this."
    via Tricky-Jellyfish-341
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    Ambitioso NTA If your husband is prepared to seek an alternative career and take on the majority of caring for his sister, I'd consider it... If his plan is to pass her into your care, then he's envisioning a cruel solution to an admittedly awful situation.
    via Ambitioso
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    SaveBandit987654321 NTA. He's honestly not even going to get custody of her if what you're saying is true- that all of her needs are met but sometimes her mom gets dr k and yells at her. It's a fool's errand that's probably going to further traumatize his sister. He'd be better off calling a social worker and trying to force someone to get in there and intervene than get custody. But your concerns are valid. He's suggesting taking her from her mother and putting her, essentially, full time with
    via SaveBandit987654321
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    MayhemAbounds YTA but not for the reason you might think. If you aren't in a position to raise a child, just own that. You are young, unsettled, and just out of a bad situation yourself. What I take issue with and believe makes you TA is when you marginalize his sister's situation. An a ic mom who is verbally a e is an a e situation and something to be concerned about it. What's also not okay and makes you TA is comparing it to your own experience and judging it less a e in comparison. Situation
    via MayhemAbounds
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    Worth Tip_4877 NTA He shouldn't start taking action when you don't agree with it. This isn't a light decision, it will affect both of your lives greatly, and you should be involved in that decision. You are both very young, and it's understandable to not feel great about adopting her. Also, since he will be away for a long time, you will be the only one left to care for her, so you should really have a say in this.
    via Worth_Tip_4877
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    Icy_Cardiologist8444 My question is this: After your husband is done with training, will you have to relocate? It may not be the best idea to bring a child into the home if you're only going to have to move in a few months. Yes, her mother may not be the best, but why would you move her into your home and then have her move again shortly thereafter? Another thing to consider is your husband. It's great that he wants to take in your sister, but he is ignoring two major points. 1. You spent a good
    via Icy_Cardiologist8444
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    You mentioned that you live in a one-bedroom apartment. The majority of the time, you are required to have a separate bedroom for the child you are taking care of, so your current living arrangement isn't even feasible. Before any of this happens, there needs to be a sit-down discussion that is based on common sense and not emotion. It is very admirable that your husband wants to take care of his sister, but you both need to look at whether that is even a realistic option. Also, I know that you
    via Icy_Cardiologist8444
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    Economy-Formal5705 OP We will have to move again in about a year to the base he is training at now, this will be our second relocation this year, because of his current reposting I had to give up my job that took me away from home for a week at a time and that just wasn't doable anymore with not having anyone to care for the pets but I am looking for another job that I can do short-time knowing that we will be moving again soon
    via Economy-Formal5705
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    ResponsibleForce7878 NTA - Your husband wants to protect his little sister, which is perfectly understandable... but did he marry you to be his wife, or sister's mother/guardian? It's interesting how these plans of his started so soon into the marriage... almost like it was planned... We know that taking on a man who has a child from a previous relationship is a package deal... but his sister...? I think you need to establish why he actually married you.
    via ResponsibleForce7878
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    Neon_Owl_333 YTA. Not for not wanting to adopt this child. That's valid, but for your arguments minimising her situation. Oh, you leave your phone on in case she needs someone to talk to when her mum is being "verbally intimidating"? You mean d k and emotionally a e. "She's not winning mother of the year"? Be honest, because this all sounds really disingenuous. How is this adoption even meant to be happening? Is child protection (or equivalent) intervening? Or is your husband just lobbying his m
    via Neon_Owl_333
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    Justmonika96 trying to be my own person and work on the trauma that I have lived through Do you believe that the way to be your own person is to quit your job and your friends to support someone else's career? Or to raise their kids / siblings? Would someone who is their own person be pressured in a situation like that when they have refused? I am really saying this with the best of intentions, I think it would be beneficial to take a pause and think who you want to be as a person and how that p
    via Justmonika96

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